Drippin’ Life
In my childhood home, we learned – early on – we’d be punished more for lying than the “crime” we were lying about. “You’d better not be lying to me,” our mom said, reminding us of the doublejeopardy for telling a lie versus ‘fessing up to our poor decisions.
According to psychologists today, if you claim you never lie, well, you’re a liar. In fact, one study found Americans, on average, tell about 11 lies a week. Surprising, right?
There’s more. A study published in The Journal of Basic and Applied Social Psychology found 60 percent of us can’t go 10 minutes without lying at least once… and it gets worse: Those that did lie actually told an average of three lies during that 10-minute conversation.
But, why do we do it?
When Leslie Martin, PhD of Wake Forest University’s counseling center surveyed more than 100 psychology graduate students, the results indicated 37 percent of students who reported lying did so “to protect themselves – mostly to avoid shame or embarrassment, avoid painful emotions and to avoid being judged…like when you’re too tired to go to meet a friend for lunch or for a drink after work, so you claim you have a stomach bug or you tell your boss you had train trouble when you really overslept.”
Then there are the little fibs -- called “pro-social lies” – we’re taught as kids, which are harmless. (Telling Grandma you love the meatloaf, when it tastes awful). The problem with these little lies — which are harmless at first — is that they tend to have a snowball effect.
According to a study appearing in The Journal of Nature Neuroscience, when people tell little lies, the brain eventually is desensitized to the guilt feelings dishonesty usually causes…or, put simply: The more you lie, the easier it gets and the bigger the lies get.
When do we start lying? Almost as soon as we start walking. Even two-year-old’s who know few words will shake their heads insistently when asked, “Do you have a dirty diaper?”
Mary’s daughter Gina told an unsolicited whopper one morning which upset Mary. Going to some experts to figure out how to handle it, Mary learned two comforting facts: (1) There’s nothing wrong with Gina’s story because, according to a child psychiatrist, “Very young kids don’t know the difference between truth and fiction,” and (2) Preschoolers with higher IQs are more likely to lie. Further, early lying talent may be linked to good social skills in adolescence.
For every stage of a child’s life, there are types of lies – and it helps to know these:
1. Kids in bibs fib. To deny they’ve done something or to gain something for themselves, a toddler’s self-serving lies are the first type parents will hear. Bending the truth doesn’t deserve punishment. “Don’t try to get the child to admit she was the one who broke the vase,” suggested Dr. Elizabeth Berger, child psychiatrist. “Rather than asking, ‘Did you break the vase?’ say, ‘Look, the vase is broken.’ Your angry accusation will be answered almost always with a lie.”
2. Preschoolers telling tall tales. Ages 3-5 is the era of invisible friends, monsters under the bed and talking toys. The lies preschoolers tell can be pure play or wishful thinking. “It’s not unusual for children to insist their fantasy world is real,” Dr. Berger said. "What your child indicates when he says 'He's real' is the tremendous colorfulness, prominence, and importance of his imaginary friends.
"If a child seems happy and has realistic relationships with the important people in his life, I wouldn’t worry about his fantasizing. That's what children did before there was TV," Dr. Berger said. “What seems outlandish to adults may simply be a child's way of processing new ideas.”
3. Schoolkids lie for numerous reasons. When Jim,6, owned up to taking a family keepsake and Mom pressed for details, Jack admitted, “I got nothin’ –I just wanted you guys to stop asking.” At this point, his eight-year-old brother Shane, broke into tears. Jim’s attempt to take the rap for Shane signals a developmental step – telling a white lie (pro-social) to benefit someone else and in doing so, showing social awareness and sensitivity.
Shane's fib by omission shows 5-to 8-year-olds still resort to the not-so-white lie…for all sorts of forgivable reasons—for example, they're afraid you’ll be disappointed -- so before you take away privileges or send him to his room, find out what caused him to lie and take his reasons into consideration
4. ‘Tweens and the truth. Tweens sometimes gloss over details of their activities they once freely shared…and don't be surprised if your child keeps mum about things she would have shared with you a year or two before. This new secretiveness isn't dishonesty. It reflects her growing maturity. Kids who tell everything to their parents at age 13 or 14 are not growing up.
The best way to steer your tween toward greater honesty? Set a good example yourself and talk to him about how lying can damage his credibility and relationships. It's the kind of lesson that doesn't sink in immediately, but what lesson ever does? Chances are good, however, your child will grow out of his fibbing—and into an honestto-goodness adult.