How do we teach them to be good losers? - Part II

Where we left off last week:

So, we’re playing for the championship the next Saturday. I’m still the coach with my little one, securely strapped in his stroller, and a full complement of fatherassistants lined up on the sideline. At half, we’re tied.

Every time the other team scores, our kids come to life and even the score. They’re playing the best they’ve played all season and the much sought-after championship trophy is within our reach…the rag tag team that almost wasn’t but then, much to the disbelief (and maybe a little machismo chagrin) of the team fathers, a mother stepped up to claim the coach’s whistle (actually I had to buy my own after the first practice).

Now we were playing for “the gold!”

Two minutes to go, the score is tied and one of our moms faints. Thank goodness, we have a dad on our sideline who is an ER doctor!

The other team scores. Three minutes remain. Our team comes back with a vengeance and we score. Another tie…and the clock is winding down.

At the last second, actually there were 10 seconds left, the other team scores. There’s bedlam on the sidelines. The ref calls a time-out and every kid on our team is wiped off with a wet cloth and given a gulp of water, the way a high-dollar property would be treated on the NFL sidelines.

The whistle blows and we line up.

The other team kicks, our kids get into their scrum formation. The ball finally pops out, our fastest players go after the ball. The other team challenges, one of their players passes off to his forward, who kicks and scores. A heartbeat later the ref’s whistle sounds and the game is over. We’ve run outta time.

I rush to line up out boys to shake hands with the victors.

Many are crying, some are clinging to their sobbing mothers. One little boy was on the ground in full-blown tantrum mode. A few team mates stand watching in awe. A few dads came over to say, “Good game, coach.” Some parents are consoling their sons by promising, “There’s always next season.”

My son is saying he’s sorry the Dragons lost. I reassure him how proud I was of him and his fellow players. They played hard. They never gave up and they left it all on the field. Two days later the sting of the loss had completely disappeared and life at our house continued — for all of us.

But how and when do we teach our kids how to lose while maintaining their dignity and decorum?

Here’s the deal: It’s our nature as human parents to define success traditionally — like winning the game, making the dance team, getting an A or making captain of the dance team. Yeah, as parents, we do that…until someone suggests it’s more important to help our kids focus on other things, like making your best effort, being a good sport and having fun.

We do need to reframe our idea of success.

We can start this refocus and redefining before our kids join their first team. So, when they lose the sack race at the birthday party or don’t eat the apple-on-a-string fast enough at the Halloween party, they didn’t win using the traditional way, but they (1) made their best effort, (2) were a good sport and (3) had fun — so they stuck to their plan and did each of those things well…something to feel good about.

Then wash, rinse and repeat. It’s not always about physically winning.

So now, let’s look at the “everybody gets a trophy” mindset: This approach leaves no losers, right? But fast-forward to your kid packing his/her room and starts boxing up their trophies for storage. One trophy was presented to the player who brought the best snacks.

A coach I know for a third-grade soccer team gave a trophy to the player who always retrieved balls that went out of bounds and another player that season was trophied for remembering to drink water at the half. Really?

Anything we, as parents, should not do?

No matter how young your kids are, take their feelings seriously. Don’t belittle those feelings. Hear them out. That game they just lost? It wasn’t just a big deal. It was a HUGE deal. It’s definitely big in their little world right now, so give them a moment. Then, at an appropriate time, remind them there’s always the next game, the next season.

Finally, what should we as parents want to take away – and share – from these losing experiences?

(1) Teachable moments. Be sure to praise any kid who manages to congratulate the winners. Losing can be an empowering experience.

(2) It’s important to “get back on the horse,” to not be demoralized, to keep trying, to work to improve skills.

(3) Losing can be a great opportunity to show sportsmanship, give your best effort, participate as a team player and have fun!

Nobody wants to lose, but when we do — and we will — let's be good loser role models...as good as we are at winning!