Dripping Life
In my own experience, growing a friendship is much like growing a healthy plant.
I’ll admit, I have the brownest of brown thumbs, and I often overor underwater a poor, defenseless green thing in my zeal to give it the best chance at life. When I was in college, a sorority sister was going to be out of town for several days, and I agreed to take care of her four plants, which she cared for like beloved pets.
Two days into this adventure, all four of the plants turned a bit yellowish. Maybe they didn’t like sitting on my window ledge in full sun. In a panic, I moved them to a shelf, totally out of the sun’s reach…to no avail. The yellowing of the leaves continued…and worsened. Maybe these plants were missing their human. To my roommate’s horror, I began talking to my yellowish charges, and out of desperation, began singing.
By the time my sorority sister returned, all four plants were D.O.A. I had no words as she stared at the pathetic remains of her once-show-pieces. I offered to pay for replacements, to which she responded, “Just forget it.”
After my failure as a plant sitter, she remained very cool toward me, even after graduation when we happened to show up at the same dress shop. After that calamity, I never agreed to take care of anyone’s plants or gardens again.
Just like a plant, while every bond of friendship evolves and grows in its own way, most friendships are formed and maintained by six forces: accumulation, attention, intention, ritual, imagination and grace, according to Julie Beck, editor at The Atlantic and author of “The Friendship Files.”
Social scientist Jeffrey A. Hall conducted a study called “How many hours does it take to make a friend?” Hall estimated that it takes two people spending 40 to 60 hours together within the first six weeks of meeting to transform an acquaintance into a casual friend and about 80 to 100 hours for the relationship to become more than that. Because of that, many friendships form in places where people are already spending significant amounts of time: work, school, church, volunteering and extracurricular activities. This is what Beck referred to as “accumulation.”
During the COVID-19 pandemic, neighbors of many years became more than casual friends because of their proximity while others met at Zoom gatherings. This mutual “attention” showcased Beck’s second “Force of Friendship.”
A friend who decided to change her habits after a divorce started getting up earlier to avoid the heat. She began walking her dog by 6:30 a.m. and as a result, she made some new friends of fellow dogwalkers.
My friend said something interesting about this experience: “I thought my social circle was pretty much set, but based on this recent experience, I don’t think it’s ever too late to make new friends.”
Of course, you need the power of intention (Beck’s third force) to make friends, so whenever a make-a-friend opportunity arises, have the courage to (1) put yourself out there, (2) be willing to be vulnerable and (3) be willing to let things be awkward.
Friendships take work — but showing up for friends should always be a joy, never a pain.
I heard a story of two friends, Burt and Joe, who had sons on the high school’s football team. After meeting at a booster club meeting, the two began having lunch every Friday for a pre-game discussion. Because their lunches became a ritual (Beck’s fourth force) during football season, these lunches were continued after the season ended. Several more dads joined the group, and they began to gather for weekend barbecues. They even took weekend road trips together.
This outgrowth of the “lunch bunch” took imagination — Beck’s fifth force — to all go on the same cruise and to buy a condo together in a town where pro football games were played. Ultimately, their friendships ended up spanning decades.
Beck’s final force for a healthy friendship is “grace.” To me, this means having friends who don’t have to be called every day or even every week. During COVID, I often met friends for a virtual glass of wine or had group zoom meetings, just to catch up. Friendships, in order to grow, have to be flexible. Friends’ plates are usually piled high with responsibilities and, many times, friendships take a step back on the priority scale… but when needed, I know I will be there for my friends and vice versa.
Yes, friendships take work. They also take understanding and balancing on to-do lists. But, as friendships grow, they yield a very special kind of love and caring. Friendships take work, but the results can last a lifetime.