Drippin' Life
My mother and her husband lived 97 years, and toward the end of their time – probably their last 15 years – they attended, on average, one funeral every 10 days. Their circle of friends included neighbors, retiree groups (he was a pilot for Braniff), his bomb group from WWII, their square dance group (they were members for 25 years), bridge clubs – his, hers and theirs, their Sunday school friends, walking partners and golf buddies. Added together, this was a large group of people – all around my mom’s same age.
I marveled as, one by one, the funerals for their friends came along and Mom and Jim attended each one. I worried they would become depressed…but when I asked Mom why they went and if going to so many services was emotionally unbearable, she answered like it was a no brainer: “They have been our friends. We go so we can say goodbye.”
Of course! What was I thinking?
At our younger ages, we have no fear of dying because we don’t think we ever will, but then the shock of losing a parent, a spouse or a close friend invades our immortality and that begins our Elisabeth Kubler-Ross stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages form a model Kubler-Ross identified about how a terminally-ill patient experienced the various stages of grief.
In a book co-authored with David Kessler and published posthumously (On grief and grieving – 2014), Kübler-Ross expanded her stages-of-grief model to include any form of personal loss, such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a job or income, major rejection, the end of a relationship or divorce, drug addiction, incarceration, the onset of a disease or an infertility diagnosis, and even minor losses, such as a loss of insurance coverage or a move from one place to another.
As you may be aware, we live in a death-denying society. Some people refuse to speak of their own demise, or buy death insurance or plan what they may want for their funerals. Others see death as an interruption or an inconvenience (“Just cremate Grandma and send me the bill.”)
Some believe if you talk about death, it will happen sooner rather than later…and society has come up with euphemisms for death (passed away), mortuaries (funeral homes), embalming (preparation) and hearse (funeral car), just to make imagining a world without of us more palatable.
But as we age – like Mom and her husband – death becomes a constant in our circle. I’m learning this, personally, as slowly, my circle becomes smaller.
The top drawer of my desk has become an unintended collecting place for chapel cards, funeral folders and nicely-laminated book marks, bearing the likenesses of friends and family no longer with us. Each time I open this drawer, these images surround me with so many warm and wonderful memories of shared adventures, unforgettable conversations, hours over coffee, volunteer projects…reminders of lives well-lived…personalities I was so blessed to know – and love.
There’s an old saying, attributed to Benjamin Franklin: “In this world, nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes.”
And that’s true. But I like Will Rogers’ (star of vaudeville, movies and newspaper columnist) quote much better because it contains a bigger helping of truth: “The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time congress meets.”